this week i had a couple of revelations.
- i’ve had a variety of counsellors throughout my life. it began in my senior year of high school. our psychology teacher took notice of me and would just listen to things i had to get out of my brain. it wasn’t until i was expecting my first child that i sought out help again. this time it was for our marriage. it ended after the first session, where the counsellor had the audacity to say that i had been emotionally abused by my parents. throughout our 27+ years of marriage, we’ve gone for more marriage and individual counselling, both with mental health workers as well as Christian counsellors, using Biblical Based techniques.
after all those years of questioning if and when i was sexually abused as a child (which i wasn’t) it dawned on me that as a young adult i had been. i had always thought that if i was the one asking for touch that it wasn’t considered abuse… just something i was responsible for. however, i did not realize that when it came to the point of being told what the other person expected from me… and that i was uncomfortable, actually not wanting to “go there” that was when it turned to abuse.
i was asked how it made me feel, and how it affects me today. all of the feelings were negative. i now thought, “okay, so now what do i do to heal from this?” “do i have to accept this and just flip a switch to move on?” i asked my counsellor if maybe we could check out some positive feelings… but we didn’t have time that night.
still, it felt comforting that the feelings of wanting affection weren’t wrong… they were actually quite normal. i can live with that. i had lived a life where black was black and white was white that i constantly lived in fear. i don’t live that way any longer.
yes, i still believe in sin and in making good choices. and striving to be more like Christ is very important to me. but i also realize that i will never be completely pure until i no longer live on this earth. it is through Christ that i am forgiven of my sinful nature… and my sins have been completely erased. yet, i still struggle and make mistakes. and i will always struggle as long as i live… because i am fully human.
but the hope! the hope that one day all of the struggling will be over. i will be in Heaven with God, where there will be no more sin, no more sickness, no more hurting, no more weeping… oh i long for that day!
- the second revelation this week was that although i am not one to dream of better things for myself, i dream through reading fiction or watching tv/dvd shows. it may not be that big of a deal to you, but to my husband it is. dreaming is one of the biggest parts of who he is. he’s always wishing/hoping for bigger and better things to come. for me, dreaming is just putting myself in a position to be let down, or to feel really greedy (not satisfied with what i have or where i am).
i find it more exciting to watch good things come to other people… like in fiction. or even in real life. i dream big for my clients and other people in my life. i just can’t do it for myself. when our daughter was very young she wanted a horse very badly. i just knew that we would never be able to afford to get her one. but i did know we believed in a big God. so, i told her to pray for one. well, she did. she prayed for three years. during that three years she was given opportunities to board two different horses and then she was asked if she would like to have her own. she cared for rollie for eight years. she never doubted, and it was faith-building for her.
i don’t really know why i am sharing this with you, except that i want people to know that despite my hurt, God is there helping me get through it. through my doubts, He is still there. He wants the best for me. i am totally fine with waiting for Heaven, till i can receive His best. but if He blesses me with earthly pleasures and joys, i will graciously accept them.
i am content. that is a very good thing!